Every New Year brings another wave of motivational articles and social media posts: “Make this your year!” “Set your goals!” “Become your best self!” These messages can fall flat when one is facing major life challenges, especially complex and stressful changes such as divorce or marital separation. How can one practice self-care during divorce, especially when “New Year, New You” just feels like pressure?
It can be difficult to embrace a mindset of “success” or “new beginnings” when you’re navigating an ending. Add our society’s emphasis on marriage being eternal, and the feelings of failure can be overwhelming. There’s so much pressure to improve yourself during a time when you’re focused on survival.
It’s time to rethink our idea of self-help and success, especially as it relates to marriage and romance. Here’s how to escape the pressures of “until death do us part” and focus on what self-care means for YOU.
Truths about self-care during divorce
Divorce is not a failure
Popular culture often portrays divorce as something shameful. We hear language such as “failed marriage” and “divorcée,” as though people are defined by their relationship history. One who seeks divorce may feel pressure from family, friends, or members of their church to “work it out.”
Let’s be clear: divorce is a legal matter and a means of creating a new future for yourself. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed, didn’t try hard enough, or weren’t a good partner. That’s one of the biggest misconceptions about divorce.
To get divorced is essentially a matter of dividing your assets and separating your lives so that you can pursue the path that brings you fulfillment and peace — whatever that looks like for you!
Here are some ways to respond to society’s comments about divorce.
Couldn’t you try to work it out? Marriage is supposed to be forever!
I did as much as I could to maintain the relationship, and now I need to move on to a phase of life where I’m working on myself.
Divorce is immoral and sinful. Marriage is sacred.
The moral and right choice is to do what’s best for myself and those I love. My important relationships with friends, children, and relatives can also be sacred, and I choose to focus on those.
Divorced women are “used goods” who will end up alone.
One doesn’t need romantic love to avoid loneliness. One can still be lonely if they’re in an unhappy marriage. And women are not objects. I am still worthy of happiness and connection no matter my marital history.
You can use these affirmations whether it’s other people saying it to you or finding yourself thinking them.
Remember, too, that marriage only became an institution of romantic love in the past couple of centuries. Historically, it’s had minimal relation to one’s capacity for loving relationships. In the modern age, we can see divorce as a tool for legally recognizing the end of a relationship and helping you step into a new phase of life.
If you’re experiencing guilt or shame for seeking divorce, try this:
- Write down your feelings, whatever they may be, in a private place. Acknowledge their validity, then do something nice for yourself.
- Affirm your reasons for seeking divorce.
- Make your divorce plan with logistics in mind. Our team at Alexandra Geczi Family Law can help. Reach out for a free case evaluation.
Self-care is not selfish
You’ve probably heard this phrase often, usually to justify taking long bubble baths or ignoring your phone for a while. That’s true, but it holds even more meaning when dealing with divorce. Deciding to leave an unhealthy relationship is a bold act of self-care. It is never selfish to make a choice that’s best for you.
Unfortunately, some people see divorce as a selfish choice. Because marriage is often portrayed as “happily ever after,” they consider leaving the relationship to be a broken promise.
The Anglican Church and its predecessor, the Catholic Church, heavily shaped marriage into a holy union on par with one’s relationship with God. Therefore, a husband and wife were expected to stay wed until they passed on. The phrase “until death do us part,” which comes from the Anglican Church’s Book of Common Prayer, became popular in marriage vows in the 16th century. It reflected the idea that people were tied to each other only on Earth, and once they passed, they’d join the heavenly realm. That idea of marriage being an eternal bond has persevered in popular culture, even without the religious context.
In no way does the vow require people to stay together despite unhealthy circumstances. After all, we only have one life, and it’s never selfish to seek fulfillment and peace in one’s lifetime. Sometimes, that means rethinking your bond with someone. What seemed like “happily ever after” can evolve as your needs and values do. And of course, if one spouse no longer upholds their promises, the other isn’t obligated to sacrifice their happiness to pick up the slack.
Ways to practice self-care during divorce
Try on a new routine
As with anything regarding women, divorce is often marketed as an opportunity to “get a makeover.” It can help to pamper yourself, but imagine what you could do beyond the superficial. Instead of trying on new clothes, what if you tried on new habits and daily activities?
Many women have gotten accustomed to doing emotional labor for their spouses. This could include packing lunches, planning dates and family events, and managing the household’s bills. Sometimes the absence of these tasks can feel like a void.
Fill that blank space with something that exclusively benefits you. Here are some ideas:
- Taking a morning or evening walk
- Watching movies and TV series (bonus points if they’re ones your ex would never watch with you!)
- Making a cup of tea or coffee
- Putting on moisturizer
- Doing a crossword or Sudoku
If you don’t anticipate your daily tasks changing much, try switching up your routine. Perhaps you no longer need to fix dinner right after you get off work, so you can unwind with Netflix first.
Finally, eliminate some tasks from your old routine. Perhaps you could wait a couple of days to do laundry. Treat yourself to dinner instead of cooking it yourself. Even small changes can help you shift your focus from “spouse care” to “self-care.”
New habits can be scary at first but ultimately freeing. They quite literally rewire your neurons. Our brains link emotions and memories to unrelated activities, so by adjusting your routine, you learn to associate tasks and habits with self-care rather than pleasing others. This can help you embrace a lifestyle that’s more peaceful and fulfilling for YOU.
Make time for enrichment
Divorce can free up one’s schedule and energy. Many people find that separation is a double-edged sword: you don’t have to devote time or emotions to caring for a spouse or trying to save the relationship, but you also have blank space to fill.
The best thing to replace those stagnant date nights and all the hours spent on emotional labor? Something that excites you! Think of it as enriching your life and reclaiming the passions you’ve left on the back burner. You could resume the interests and activities you had when you were single, or try new enrichment opportunities. Here are some ideas:
- Learning a new hobby (e.g., crafting, video games, painting, photography, dance, cooking — the sky’s the limit!)
- Practicing yoga or pilates
- Trying a new fitness activity, especially one that helps you feel like a badass (think kickboxing, fencing, CrossFit)
Remember, divorce offers an opportunity to reclaim the time and space where you can thrive. Read our blog “4 Ways to Take Charge of Your Life After a Divorce” for more ideas.
Allow yourself to recover from grief
Even when divorce is the best choice for you, it can still be something to grieve. You may feel like you’re mourning a person who’s still alive. Whether a spouse changed into someone unrecognizable or revealed their true colors, it’s still a loss. It’s okay to
To echo what we wrote above, divorce isn’t a sign of failure. It is indeed a loss, if only of the potential you used to see or the life you wanted to have. Divorce often brings up complicated feelings of grief. Unlike with a loved one’s death, marital separation carries many layers of loss to grieve:
- The potential you used to see in the relationship
- The life you wanted to have
- Feelings of betrayal and anger toward your ex and their behavior
- The gap between your expectations and what you experienced in the marriage
- Your sense of comfort and stability
- Who you were as a single person
Grief typically includes five stages, and it’s vital to let yourself experience and heal through each of them. Everyone’s journey is unique, and the process may not be linear:
Denial
One may deny the reality of the separation, shove down their feelings, or disbelieve that it’s happening the way it is.
Practice self-care by journaling your feelings and discussing the process with a trusted team. People who shame you for divorce can increase your denial, so make a list of compassionate friends you can lean on.
Anger
It’s normal to feel angry at your soon-to-be ex-spouse, as well as yourself.
Practice self-care by channeling this anger into a physical activity, such as exercise or a new hobby. Be cautious when talking to your ex, mutual friends, or family.
Bargaining
This is the stage where you ask questions such as “what if I’d tried harder to fix the relationship? What if XYZ had happened?”
Practice self-care by acknowledging these thoughts, journaling your feelings, then revisiting your divorce action plan.
Depression
Depression is more than sadness; it includes feelings of despair, lethargy, and hopelessness. This is a natural response to any major life change, but as it can seriously damage your health, it’s vital to treat depression as a medical condition.
Practice self-care by engaging in activities that bring you joy and getting professional mental healthcare if needed. There’s never any shame in seeking help.
Acceptance
You will eventually feel at peace with your new reality and understand the relationship for what it was — an opportunity to learn and grow into your best self.
Practice self-care by continuing to embrace your new lifestyle and making choices for yourself rather than others!
The team at Alexandra Geczi Family Law is dedicated to supporting our clients through the divorce process with compassion and respect. We’re here to help get your sparkle back. Reach out for a free case evaluation.