Any romance can complicate matters, and divorce is no exception. Indeed, dating while getting divorced could create hurdles to your happiness.
It can be tempting to start dating someone new, especially if your marriage has been on the rocks for a long time. Even casual dates can be a welcome breath of fresh air. As divorce offers a new beginning, you must do what’s best for your emotional health. However, dating could present challenges in your divorce proceedings. Here’s what to keep in mind for dating during divorce.
The Emotional Impact of a New Partner
Divorce can be a very lonely process, even in an amicable divorce. Add in the pressure of impending singlehood and frustrations about your unhealthy marriage, and it’s often tempting to find someone new. And of course, sometimes you just happen to meet someone right at the wrong time.
Only you know what’s best for your emotional well-being and ultimate happiness. However, remember that any major life change can make things cloudy. As marital separation muddies the waters, be sure you’re monitoring and processing your emotions so you can heal properly — and build a healthy relationship that will last.
Divorce can trigger a psychological phenomenon called “delayed grief.” You’ve likely heard of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, the first four don’t always happen in that order — and they may take months to start.
This happens because our brains want to protect us from trauma. You can still experience shock even if you decide to initiate the divorce. That initial conversation may be traumatizing. Or if you’ve experienced pain throughout your marriage, taking the step toward divorce could bring those feelings to a head. Sometimes, hyper-focusing on the legal and logistical aspects of divorce effectively distracts you from the strong emotions brewing inside.
Grief is never something to suppress. It must be worked through so that you can heal and find your happiness. But because our brains are hardwired against trauma, we may not realize we’re grieving, especially when an exciting new love interest distracts us.
If you’re considering dating while going through a divorce:
DO be honest with yourself about your emotions. Let yourself feel the anger, sadness, and disappointment. Ask yourself, “Am I truly interested in this person or do I just want to feel better?”
DON’T date someone as a way to “get over” your ex or distract yourself from the divorce. It’s not healthy or fair to you, your new partner, or your ex.
DO take it slow if you start dating someone new. This holds true even after the divorce is finalized. It takes time to process emotions, rebuild your trust, and forge a new, healthy relationship dynamic.
DON’T underestimate how a new partner may reveal hidden grief or anger — or even disrupt your healing process.
How Your Soon-To-Be Ex Will Respond
Divorce is a negotiation, which means you’ll usually be in contact with your spouse for the foreseeable future. Whether you’re separating on good terms or not, it’s best to assume they’ll know if you start dating someone new. How this affects your changing relationship depends on your unique situation.
Unfortunately, jealousy and resentment are always possibilities. Some people find that their separation is amicable until they realize their soon-to-be ex is dating someone new. Questions emerge:
- “Were they having an affair?”
- “How could they move on so quickly?”
- “Why do they get to couple up while I’m still single?”
Most divorces involve pain and grief for both parties. Dating someone new can make those feelings worse — or even reveal them for the first time. For some people, seeing their former partner with someone else is what makes it seem real. Others take it out on their soon-to-be ex by throwing a wrench into divorce proceedings.
Be cautious if you begin dating someone new during the divorce process — no matter the stage you’re at.
DO consider the emotional pressures of your divorce. Is it something you both agreed upon without pressure? Is there enough mutual respect and amicability to continue the separation as planned?
DON’T hide a new romantic interest from your ex. You certainly don’t need to volunteer details, but be honest if the topic arises.
DO maintain boundaries among yourself, your soon-to-be ex, and anyone you’re dating. Lead with constructive conversations rather than arguments and limit what you share. Your top priority is to protect your peace.
DON’T weaponize a new love interest or otherwise reference them in your separation. This could trigger your ex to cite infidelity in your divorce proceedings. Indeed, dating anyone during divorce could create legal problems. Read on to learn more.
Dating While Technically Married
Even if you don’t feel married anymore, according to the state, your life is still tied to your spouse’s until you’re officially divorced. The Texas Family Code states, “The court may grant a divorce in favor of one spouse if the other spouse has committed adultery.” As this is not otherwise defined, any romantic or sexual activity outside your marriage could be construed as adultery.
This could give your soon-to-be ex a weapon against you. Any claims of adultery — true or not — may delay the divorce settlement or allow your ex to pursue a fault-based divorce.
Because Texas is a community property state, assets and expenses during the marriage belong to both spouses. A judge considers this when determining how to equitably split marital property. However, infidelity may inspire your ex to request a disproportionate share of this property — and the court would allow it.
Another wrinkle is that your finances are still entangled. Even if you agree you’re no longer a couple, you’re both entitled to an equitable division of your assets. Let’s say you’re using your share of household income for dates, gifts, and getaways. Spending community funds on a new beau could impact your settlement, especially in a high net-worth divorce.
Remember, the court aims to create a “just and right” arrangement. Infidelity, whether sexual, financial, or both, creates an imbalance that a judge would want to correct. They don’t know when the love died or when you and your spouse decided to split— they only know the evidence before them. Be cautious if you start dating someone while still married, because if it’s your word against your ex’s, they could claim infidelity to seek a larger share of the marital property.
This is general information, not legal guidance. As always, reach out to a legal professional to discuss your unique situation. Our team at Alexandra Geczi Family Law offers compassionate support without judgment. Get in touch.
Dating’s Impact on Children and Custody
Children may already feel confused and angry when their parents are getting a divorce — or when their mom or dad starts dating someone new. Combine those situations, and kids can easily feel resentful, hurt, or even furious.
It’s rarely easy to introduce a new partner to your kids, especially if they’re minors or still living with you. However, you can smooth the transition by setting boundaries in their relationship to this new person and giving them time to adjust.
That can be difficult in the thick of divorce, when the kids are unclear on what’s happening or how this will affect them. And if you’re sorting out custody arrangements with your ex, a “new mommy or daddy” is the last thing you want in the mix.
DO limit the time your children spend with anyone you’re dating. Minimize your new partner’s visits to the house you share with your kids.
DON’T have your new person replace your ex in the tasks or activities the kids shared with them.
DO allow a lot of time for a new partner to assume a parental role in your kids’ lives. When they do, help them establish their own healthy dynamic.
DON’T try to hide your new partner from the children’s other parent. This could raise suspicion and affect your custody agreement.
The Bottom Line: Follow Your Heart, But Be Smart
Dating during divorce may bring more complications than it’s worth. Remember, leaving an unhealthy marriage is your opportunity for happiness. Your most important love relationship is the one you have with yourself. The right person for you will be there at the right time. Trust in your healing journey and focus on your growth and well-being. You don’t need a romantic partner to achieve that.
That said, if you decide to date someone before your divorce is finalized, tread carefully. Be honest — with both yourself and others — so you don’t further muddy the waters. Divorce brings up many strong emotions that a new relationship can further complicate. It’s vital to maintain firm boundaries and build a strong sense of self.
At Alexandra Geczi Family Law, our divorce services include coaching, planning, and mediation — all with an empathetic, no-judgment approach. We’re your compassionate, level-headed partners through your unique journey. Reach out today to request a consultation.