Many people assume that amicable divorce is only possible when you’re friendly with your soon-to-be ex — and that abusive marriages must end in nasty divorce. However, marital separation is never so black and white. When seeking divorce from a narcissist, one may not have endured screaming matches or physical abuse. And while it’s unlikely you’ll remain friends, an amicable divorce is still possible, even if you’re dealing with a narcissist.
The challenge is to navigate the manipulative behaviors and low empathy characteristic of those with narcissistic personality disorder. Here’s what to consider when seeking uncontested divorce from a narcissist — and how to protect your peace.
How does narcissistic personality disorder affect marriage?
Narcissism is one of several “Cluster B” personality disorders listed in the 5th edition Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). It is characterized by:
- A grandiose self-view and expectation that others admire them
- Low empathy and compassion
- Tendency to exploit others for personal gain
- Expectation of special treatment
- Obsession with achieving perfection in their career and relationships
Those with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often expect their partners to unquestioningly support their sense of entitlement. They feel an insatiable need for validation and admiration, so they may punish partners who don’t constantly provide those.
Meanwhile, they prioritize their feelings and desires above their partner’s. While they can sometimes provide emotional support, it often comes from their sense of self-importance. Partners may be left feeling like their needs are less important, or that they can only get their needs met when it boosts the narcissist’s ego.
This unhealthy dynamic may not emerge during the “honeymoon” stage of a relationship. Rather, narcissists often engage in distinctive behaviors meant to woo their partner and secure their attention. Their self-entitlement may not be obvious during this stage. In fact, low-level narcissists are more likely to treat their partner as extraordinary early in the relationship. This “idealization phase” may include:
- Lovebombing, which includes extreme displays of affection and declarations of love
- Isolation behaviors, e.g. stating that “it’s us against the world” or “no one gets me except you.” In more abusive cases, the narcissist may pull their partner away from friends and family.
- Conditional affection, such as giving physical intimacy, gifts, or romantic experiences only after their partner does something “right”
Because these tactics quickly create a sense of bonding, people with narcissistic partners often find the relationship moves fast. This means they’re more likely to shorten the timeline between dating and marriage.
Once married, though, the narcissistic partner may start to show their true colors. To maintain the flow of affection and validation from their partner — without having to reciprocate — they may engage in “power and control” tactics:
- Detaching or withdrawing from emotional conflict or conversations
- Gaslighting, a specific method of making one doubt their sense of reality. Note that gaslighting does not mean lying or disagreeing but rather, covertly changing a situation then insisting the other person did not experience what they did.
- Guilt-tripping, e.g. stating “you wouldn’t do this if you truly loved me” or “I guess I’ll just have to suffer if you do that”
- Triangulation, such as casting a friend, family member, or child as their ally against their partner — or vice versa
These behaviors may appear before marriage but often intensify once the narcissist feels they don’t need to worry about losing their partner. Drawing upon society’s expectations for married couples, they insist upon their partner’s sacrifices, often casting their individual needs as “what’s best for us.”
Meanwhile, the pressure for marriage to last forever can make it easy to overlook this unhealthy dynamic. Add in the narcissist’s guilt-tripping tactics, and many people find it hard to leave. Deciding to divorce a narcissist is a tough decision — and it’s never too late. There’s no shame in pursuing one’s happiness, whether that’s a healthy relationship based on mutual trust and respect or simply enjoying single life.
Once someone decides to seek divorce from a narcissistic spouse, though, they can expect the narcissist to continue the toxic behaviors they used in marriage.
What tactics do narcissists use during divorce?
Narcissists depend on a “supply” of validation and emotional support. They don’t want to lose this, nor their sense of power and control over their partner. So, divorce is a major threat to their ego. While they may accept the breakup and agree to an uncontested divorce, they often lean on their usual tactics to assert control and feed their ego.
Gaslighting
Legal situations make narcissists nervous because they perceive a potential loss of control. They want situations to favor them. If they can’t actually change the facts, they’ll try to change your perception of them.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, in which a con artist dims the gas lamps when he sneaks into his house, then convinces his wife she’s only imagining the lights are going out. As the film progresses, he blames her insanity for valuable objects going missing.
Gaslighting eventually causes the victim to doubt their memory and sense of reality. Therefore, it’s an effective tactic because the narcissist doesn’t need to worry about fixing their bad behavior. Their partner won’t feel confident enough to challenge them, let alone make a convincing court statement.
Gaslighting during divorce proceedings could look like:
- Failing to provide important documents or details, then trying to convince the other party they never asked for them
- Dismissing their soon-to-be ex’s feelings or statements about the divorce as “illogical” or “crazy”
- Claiming they don’t remember key events or details in the divorce case — or that they didn’t happen
Gaslighting is NOT spreading false misinformation to turn family, friends, or legal counsel against the other party. That is a form of triangulation.
Triangulation
As the word suggests, triangulation means creating or expanding conflict by involving a third party. This tactic diverts attention from the main conflict so the narcissist can gain control over the situation. It can also help turn the situation in their favor by turning the other parties against each other.
Narcissists often use triangulation in divorce and custody cases. Common triangulation tactics include:
- Attempting to sow doubts about their soon-to-be ex’s legal counsel
- Using false “character witnesses” to malign their soon-to-ex’s values and cast suspicion on their motives
- In an amicable divorce with kids, telling the children the other parent is to blame for the separation
Triangulation only works when the other parties engage with this misinformation. The narcissist hopes to get a rise of other people. That’s why it’s critical to step back when you notice this behavior. Only speak to trusted friends and legal counsel. Resist the temptation to argue or defend yourself against clearly false statements.
Guilt-tripping
Divorce is a difficult decision even if it’s clearly the right choice. Narcissists play on their soon-to-be ex’s complex emotions about seeking a divorce. They’ll try to trigger remorse so their ex might pull back their demands or even stop the process.
Guilt is a powerful motivator to work against one’s best interests. No one likes to feel bad about their decisions, and marital separation already carries a lot of shame. Knowing this, narcissists engage in guilt-tripping to keep their victims doubtful that they’re making the right choice.
In a divorce case, guilt-tripping may look like:
- Painting certain decisions (especially about property division or custody) as unfair
- Blaming their ex-partner for causing them stress or inconvenience by seeking divorce
- Citing their soon-to-be ex’s insecurities as a reason for the divorce
It’s normal to feel a bit of guilt when asking for a divorce. Remember that guilt is not the same as fault, especially from a legal perspective. Guilt-tripping is just another way for narcissists to exert power and control over their ex-partner.
How to navigate divorce from a narcissist
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Set the expectation for yourself that the narcissist likely will continue their tactics during the divorce proceedings. In fact, they may intensify. How they behaved in the marriage is likely how they’ll behave in the divorce.
Watch for manipulation tactics
Even an uncontested divorce is subject to narcissistic manipulation. For example, if there are custody arrangements to be made, your soon-to-be ex may try to use the children as bargaining chips. Decisions about dividing shared property are often subject to guilt-tripping, e.g., “Closing our account would ruin my life!” or gaslighting, e.g., “You never used that item, why would you get to have it?”
Don’t let them play the victim
Narcissists will often try to paint themselves as the wronged party. In an amicable divorce, neither party is wrong. Keep that in mind, and be ready to shut down conversations about blame. It is possible to have a no-fault divorce from a narcissist — so don’t let them try to add fault into the equation.
And remember, your feelings and experiences are valid. Don’t victimize yourself, either. You can understand that you were mistreated without feeling powerless.
Stand strong in your power
Treat this as your decision, not a mutual arrangement — even if you’re separating amicably and cooperating. This will help you break the habit of basing your choices on your soon-to-be ex’s needs.
Relationships with narcissists often teach people to second-guess their needs and feelings. Remember that you’re divorcing to reclaim your happiness. If you’re working with a divorce attorney, lean into their expertise to help you prioritize your needs during the process.
Alexandra Geczi Family Law offers a compassionate approach to amicable divorce that boosts resilience when divorcing a narcissist. Rather than pushing buttons and inciting yet more conflict, we focus on empowering you to start the next chapter of your life. By protecting your peace, you can step forward with clarity and confidence. Schedule a no-obligation discovery call now.